Lessons Learned From Swiping

50 Things Tinder & Bumble Have Taught Me

1.     It’s easier to swipe left than it is to swipe right. Sometimes you get into such a rhythm it’s very possible that you accidentally swiped left on your soul mate.

2.     You can’t do anything about it since you’re too cheap to pay for the service so there’s no do-overs.

3.     If you do match on Tinder, it’s rare that the guy actually sends a message. You have to initiate, just like on Bumble.

4.     If you chose to send the first message it’s nearly impossible to come up with the perfect, witty intro.

5.     I once spent hours coming up with one-liners to send to matches on Bumble only to realize it’s a waste of time because only half of the guys write back before time’s up.

6.     I asked a girlfriend for advice, “So what do you say to all of your matches?” I expected some ingenious answer, but received, “I just say, ‘hey there’, works like a charm.”

7.     Are you kidding me? Hey there? Why didn’t I think of that?

8.     You’ll learn 6 pictures and 300 characters or less can tell you a lot about someone. Possibly more than you’d ever want to know.

9.     There’s nothing more aggravating then when guys list their IG handle on their profile. You exit the app to go investigate only to find out their IG account is set to private.

10.  Am I supposed to send you a request to follow in order to stalk you? What are you hiding, boo?

11.  You’ll become proficient at “Where’s Waldo” for the guys who post all group photos and you can’t identify which one is attached to the profile.

12.  You may think one of the guy’s friends is cuter than he is and then you get a complex and wonder if guys think the same thing about your girlfriends in your pictures.

13.  Profiles that include the guy’s height are helpful. It’s nice to know if the guy is only 5’6” ahead of time so you don’t have to waste your time.

14.  You’ll feel compelled to swipe right when you see a baby, a cute dog or a picture of him with his mom, even if you don’t really think he’s a good match.

15.  Sometimes you do, and then regret it later.

16.  You’ll find profiles annoying that read, “Will swipe left for: selfies, duck faces, Snapchat filters…etc.”

17.  Thanks for the threat. I’m gonna do me, you go do you. Fine! Swipe left and miss out on my duck face selfies with a flower crown. Your loss.

18.  It’s awkward to encounter a co-worker on Bumble or Tinder, especially if they’re in a relationship or married.

19.  You screenshot that shit just incase you ever need it.

20.  If you choose to leave your fate in someone else’s thumb and allow them to swipe on your device…beware.

21.  Clean up the following day can be a nightmare when you have a dozen new matches and none are your type.

22.  It wasn’t your friend’s fault. They’re happily married and haven’t been single in the swiping era so they get confused easily. Their thumb hasn’t been trained and right swipes are given, followed by a “Whoops, wrong way again!”

23.  When this occurs I just pour myself a nice glass of wine and start un-matching.

24.  The nice thing about Bumble is it cleans that shit up for you. Just don’t write the guy and he goes away.

25.  Unless he uses his time extend in which you feel bad, but un-match him anyway. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

26.  You’ll see the same guys on both apps and ask yourself, “Am I desperate if I swipe right twice?” Maybe I’m just increasing my odds?

27.  Sometimes you accidently “Super Like” someone because you’re switching back and forth from Bumble to Tinder and you confuse the direction of your swipe.

28.  Inevitably you made this guy’s day and he returns the love, swiping right. You’re a match. Then you quickly go un-match him.

29.  Sorry, not sorry.

30.  If a convo does start on the app at some point it’s easier to exchange numbers and text or heaven forbid chat on the phone.

31.  I’ve only had one person call before meeting up in the history of my online dating career. He was foreign.

32.  You don’t save the guy in your contacts until you feel like it might be going somewhere.

33.  A couple of my girlfriends snap a screenshot of the guy’s profile to add to their contact so they don’t get confused or forgetful when he resurfaces 3-6 months later. They always resurface.

34.  I can’t be bothered with that.

35.  I come up with a clever nickname to associate the guy so he’s not confused with any of my other prospects.

36.  I have Jordan Ken Doll, Derek Likes Big Butts, Douchebag SD Hater Scott, Dr. McDreamy, Fitted Sheet Folding Peter, Ready Set Joel and many others saved.

37.  Eek, I think it’s time to delete some of those guys.

38.  You’ll start to spot your matches when you’re out on the town, at the gym or grabbing dinner at Wholefoods. You keep a low profile, but wonder if he’s putting two-and-two together as well.

39.  The probability of making it to an actual date is slim.

40.  You get frustrated by this and go to a bar. After all that’s the old school version of online dating.

41.  You quickly realize that’s not any better. You return home, throw on your jammies, wash your face and continue swiping from the comfort of your couch with no bra on.

42.  If you make it to an actual date, it could go one of two ways, either exceptionally well and you’re pleasantly surprised, or it could be horrendous and you’ll swear off dating for at least a week or two.

43.  I’ve been left in a bar, left with the check and could have avoided both scenarios if I would have swiped left.

44.  You have to put yourself out there though.

45.  Online dating is hard work. You have to treat it like a job and devote some time to it each day.

46.  When you learn of a relationship that started on Tinder or Bumble that lead to an engagement or even marriage you have a renewed hope.

47.  These are few and far between.

48.  You start to realize how difficult it is to find a guy who’s attractive, educated, fun, and shares common interests with you.

49.  Just in case Mr. Right is reading this all I am looking for is someone to watch football with on Sundays, whether at the game or on the couch, who loves pizza and ranch and has a great sense of humor.

50.  If you meet this criteria DM me immediately.