Dating a Narcissist
Have you ever dated a narcissist? Maybe you weren't aware of the medical diagnosis but recognized the behavior as off-putting. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a disorder in which a person has an inflated sense of self-importance.
Believe it or not, the disorder is found most commonly in men. The cause is unknown but likely involves a combination of genetic and environmental factors. Signs that you're dating a narcissist include an excessive need for admiration, disregard for other people's feelings, an inability to handle criticism. A narcissist also has a sense of entitlement.
In this week's episode, I chat with Grace Fraga, comedienne, actress, and author. The beauty of Grace is she is an open book, and she has a way of using self-deprecating humor to discuss the sensitive subject matter.
Grace has been engaged a total of four times. She's been married twice. One of her ex-husbands was a narcissist. Grace recalls him gaslighting her in their relationship. She talks about toxic positivity, which essentially makes an excuse for the narcissist's behavior and actions. It's hard for a person in a relationship with someone who has this condition to believe that this is their true self, rather, they fixate on the person they fell in love with—the one who swept them off their feet.
I asked Grace how I could tell if I was a narcissist, and she laughed. She said to me that anyone wondering if they're a narcissist is not one. A narcissist would never self-reflect, asking that question of themselves.
Grace and I are not mental health professionals. If you notice this pattern of behavior from your significant other, seek professional help.
Here are nine simple ways to tell if you're dating a narcissist:
Lack of empathy - everything is about them. They don’t have any boundaries and often devalue or humiliate you.
Grandiose Behavior - a pattern of embellishing accomplishments, experiences, talents, and connections. They’ll one-up you, or even themselves. They’re braggadocious.
Gaslighting - they withhold, stonewall or contradict you. A subject comes up in conversation, and your partner immediately refers to something that occurred years ago, deflecting or almost speaking of it as a conspiracy. This leaves you feeling isolated and might even have you questioning your own sense of reality.
Don't accept responsibility - the inability to admit when they are wrong. They cannot take ownership of their actions and often rationalize their behavior.
Emotionally Cold - they can’t express their emotions. They typically check out of conversations centered around sharing feelings. This leaves you desperate to try and get the emotions or feelings out of them as you seek validation of your connection.
Manipulative - they alter a situation to suit their narrative. A narcissist will use manipulation to get attention, status, and validation.
Projection - they accuse you of doing what they are doing. They point out your flaws and fears. For example, they accuse you of cheating when they are actually engaging in that behavior.
Need for Control - maybe they monitor your whereabouts, check your texts, emails, and phone activity. They make decisions without your input. You may feel as if you need to ask for permission to do something or go somewhere. They continually have the upper hand.
Infidelity - they are wired to be unfaithful. Their constant need for validation and flattery leads to cheating. They thrive off of excitement and can sometimes lead double lives, maintaining a relationship with you while also having a relationship with someone else.
Grace's suggestion if you recognize this behavior - GTFO. The first time it took her three years. The second time, she picked up on the red flags, and the relationship lasted five days. Narcissists will target people who struggle with confidence. They will manipulate the situation to make you feel helpless and worthless without them. The first step in getting out is asking for help and reminding yourself that you deserve better.
