Dear Erin, How Long Should I Give Him To Propose?
Today's Dear Erin question comes in from a woman who sent me an email. I'm going to refer to her as Julie. I change the person's name to respect their privacy and always ask if it's okay to share their question on the podcast before doing so—a sign of a healthy relationship, clear and concise communication, and transparency.
Hi Erin, I feel like I know you since I've been listening to your podcast for so long. I love the show, and it's helped me tremendously. I followed your advice. I worked on myself, healed from my last relationship, and I think I manifested my current boyfriend. My story isn't as unique as yours, I didn't get a voice note out of the blue, but he put forth effort to get my attention. He treats me well, we seem to get along just fine, and we have a good time together. So you're probably wondering why am I even reaching out?
Here's why I'm like you. I'm in my mid 30's. I want to have kids. I don't want to be the oldest mom at pickup. I don't want to waste my time if this isn't going anywhere. I also don't want to sabotage my relationship because I want things to move fast. Why is dating so hard? I feel like it's harder for women, but I know you'd tell me to reframe that thought. How long should we date before we get engaged, or how long should I give him to propose? I'm sure you're going to ask; we've been dating for about five months. I feel like I sound crazy, but I am protecting myself. Thanks for listening and for being so open with your life. It's always nice to know I'm not alone in these situations. Love, Julie
I address Julie's question, "How long should we date before we get engaged, or how long should I give him to propose?" on this episode, Dear Erin, How Long Should I Give Him To Propose?
I, too, have had similar thoughts, fears, and concerns at various stages of my dating life, but here's what I've realized. Are you ready for this? We're not in control. We don't get to write the script and have our love story play out exactly how we envisioned it in our heads. It doesn't work that way. You're probably saying to yourself, but Erin, you said we can manifest anything we put our minds to. Yes, you can! But the Universe is always going to deliver what's best for you and in divine timing.
We have to understand that sometimes the things we want for ourselves in the timing we desire may not be the right thing or the right time. We won't realize it until later after the dust settles and we think back about how things played out, then we have that aha moment and think, now I get why it didn't work out with him or why I needed to be more patient or whatever the case may be.
Speaking directly to Julie, the first thing I needed her to understand was putting pressure on her situation, and having an ideal timeline in her head isn't going to help her feel better about things. She's going to have to surrender to the Universe. It can be difficult to release control. I'm pretty sure Julie wanted something more concrete, like an answer with a number in it. Men should propose in six months or after a year of dating, but I believe that the right time to get engaged or married and how long you should be in a relationship before making that commitment depends on several factors like:
How well do you know your partner?
How happy are you in your relationship?
What's your expectation of marriage?
Can you see yourself committed to this person for the long haul?
It's less about an actual timeframe, six months, a year, two years, and it's more about evaluating whether or not you're ready to move forward and make a bigger commitment. I think discussing these things with your partner is essential too. They should ask themselves these same questions as their feelings, wants, and desires are valid too. Then based upon both of your responses to those questions, you can gauge where you stand in terms of moving things forward. The answer to Julie's question differs based on relationship to relationship. Each relationship is unique and brings about its highs and its challenges. What we don't want to happen is the desire to bring on the future: marriage and kids, to prevent us from enjoying the present.
We need to trust the Universe knows our heart, and if it doesn't, then my suggestion is to change that immediately. Journal, get those desires onto paper, let the Universe know what you want, your intentions. This is so important, especially if you've been thinking in reverse, worried, fearful, and concerned about your future. Flip that script, and believe that you will get to be a mom, that you will get married, and all the things you desire will come true. It may not happen today or in the timing you think is best for you, but it will happen, and when it does, please let me know. I'd bet money it will be better than you ever imagined if you don't force it, if you don't try and manipulate it—if you change your focus from the future to the present.
Take time right now to nurture your relationship, continue getting to know one another on a deeper level, have fun, support one another through the highs and the challenges. Make a conscious decision to choose each other. Overcome hurdles before they even exist. Communicate. This is a must. Be an effective communicator. This is a significant factor when a relationship doesn't work. Practice doing this well now, so you continue to perfect it over time. Go ahead and tackle some of the more difficult conversations about finances and expectations with intimacy. Better to stay ahead of these common contributors for problems in a relationship while it's just the two of you before kiddos are involved; you're sleep-deprived, trying to juggle being a new mom, a boss babe, working on getting that pre-pregnancy body back, and keeping the romance alive.
Remember, you can never say the wrong thing to the right person. Keep this in your memory bank. Focus on the present, not the future. And you'll get your desired happily ever after. I have no doubt.
Tune in to this week's episode to hear my complete response to Julie. Have some nuggets of wisdom to share from your own experience? Feel free to drop them in the comments below.
