New Chapter, Who Dis?

I’ve always been an open book giving others transparency into the good, the bad and the ugly, however this chapter was written and quickly closed.  This chapter was different.  This chapter felt like failure, shame…disappointment. 

We met at Home Depot.  It was my first “real job” out of college.  I had been working part time at a tanning salon and my parents told me the only way I could stay in Southern California was to get a higher paying job.  My aunt and uncle were renovating their home and Home Depot was handling the project.  My uncle told me there was an outside design position available as the woman running that division was about to retire.  This sounded fun, up my alley and somewhat in line with what I studied so I figured, why not.

I was hired, issued a crisp orange apron and introduced to the team.  He happened to be part of the team.  He wasn’t very welcoming, in fact, I remember thinking he was kind of an asshole.  There wasn’t an initial attraction.  I was trying to move on from my on-again, off-again college boyfriend at the time.  Dating or putting myself out there was the least of my concerns.

After a month on the job Home Depot decided not to continue the outside design position.  Thankfully, I was afforded the opportunity to continue working in-store.  Around this time there were other changes to our team.  My manager was promoted leaving her role open.  He had also received a promotion and was tasked with covering both positions until they could determine a back fill.  I knew nothing about the hard-side of floor and wall: laminate, tile, hardwood.  We used to use walkie talkies and I was constantly bothering him with questions.  I also hated the manual labor that went along with working in-store, so if someone was purchasing thin-set or floor tile, I would call him over to help load.  I’m sure this annoyed him.

At some point the team went out for drinks.  My ex had come with and it didn’t end well.  He spilled a drink and it somehow ended up on my new boss’ lap.  I’m sure it was an accident.  My ex left the bar, I stayed to try and salvage the situation. Olivia Pope had nothing on me, I fixed that situation so much so, I ended up married to the man.  That night Destiny and I hit it off.  Yes, you read that correctly, Destiny.   

We started seeing each other outside of work.  He lived by the beach and I lived inland so it was fun to hang in his hood.  He surfed.  I loved laying out with the most recent issue of US Weekly covered in SPF 70.  My skin is so fair.  I was always jealous of his ability to tan.  He was white, black and Indian with a feather, Native American to be PC.  He lived off of Adalberto’s California burritos and I was hooked.  Who doesn’t want to eat taco shop every day?  If he wasn’t working or surfing, he was playing or listening to music and drinking.  I found this all desirable. 

Working together began to be present its challenges.  We were keeping our situation a secret since he was technically my boss.  It was hard to keep my emotions in check and not to show any tells.  Plus, we did everything together which left us with little to share when we got home.  I knew what happened in his work day because I was living it too.  I knew what he had for lunch, I also had the same thing.  I knew it all.  There was no mystery.  Life became monotonous.  Oh, and he’d practically moved in to my place since I lived closer in proximity to the store.    

Something had to give, so I decided I was going to transfer stores.  When word got out, the Store Manager asked Destiny to go out for a quick smoke.  The Store Manager was a female and loved Destiny.  She often confided in him.  Since they both smoked, something I didn’t care for, they often took their breaks together.  I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me jealous.  On this smoke break she asked Destiny if he heard that I was going to transfer and why.  He outed me saying I had been seeing someone in the department and didn’t think it was right to mix business and pleasure.  She laughed and said,

“That can’t be.  Erin likes dark skinned men.” 

Destiny looked down at his arm and back up to meet the Manager’s eyes.  She connected the dots. 

I ended up staying at that store.  I applied for the manager spot Destiny was covering and got it.  I did that for about a year until my uncle helped me land my next gig.  He should be a recruiter.  Destiny and my relationship continued.  We were good friends.  We were decent roommates.  We had fun together.  We were also the last of our friends to take the marriage plunge.

Somewhere between three moves, career changes, the addition of a puppy and everything in between we came to a crossroad.  We’d been dating for four years.  It was time to shit or get off the pot.  We were definitely feeling the pressure and we caved.  There really wasn’t a reason to break up.  We cared for one another.  I loved him. In hindsight I may not have been in love with him, but I didn’t realize that at the time.  I was young.  One evening he suggested we go to the beach in Carlsbad around sunset.  I wasn’t surprised when he dropped to one knee and proposed.  More so I was surprised that he had the funds to purchase a ring.  I said yes and just like that we were engaged. 

I remember calling my parents to let them know the good news.  Neither were thrilled.  I even recall telling my Grandpa who has since passed and his response being lack luster.  All of these things should have been signs, but I was oblivious at the time.  I was never one to daydream about my wedding so I didn’t even know where to start.  But I managed to plan a wedding, making most of the decisions solo aside of our wedding playlist.  Because we wanted a particular pastor to facilitate, we had to take three premarital counseling sessions.  And we did.  Glaring differences of faith, childhood upbringings and life experiences were uncovered.  We acknowledged things, worked through some to a certain degree and pressed on.   

I have a vivid memory sitting at the dining room table which we rarely used.  I loved that table and always envisioned it being a place to gather with loved ones.  On this particular day I was stuffing wedding invitations by myself.  I remember looking down at the wording and thinking, was I ready to be Mrs. Destiny Butts?

His full name is Destiny Scott Butts.  Say it really fast to yourself; Destiny-got-Butts.  This was the ongoing joke.  He delivered it best.  I didn’t want to be Erin Lyn Butts.  Nor did I want to be Erin Lyn Ramsey-Butts.  I wanted to keep my name.  This was of course a point of contention.  I used my best negotiation skills begging him to be Scott Ramsey or even Destiny Ramsey.  That had a nice ring to it.  But he didn’t budge.  He was stubborn.  Plus, I’m certain after dealing with a name like that his whole life and all the bullying that must have gone in conjunction, he didn’t want it all to be for not.  I never changed my name.  In hindsight it made it easier to transition back into single life.  I had kept my original identity, at least on paper.

I loved our wedding day.  The boys wore tuxedos with flip flops and walked down the aisle to So Fresh, So Clean by OutKast.  My girls wore a dress that made them feel confident, their choice, in a shade of red.  They walked down the aisle to Strawberry Fields Forever by Ben Harper.  My dad walked me down the aisle in my simple, white, strapless dress to Somewhere Over The Rainbow by Braddah Iz.  To this day when I hear this song it brings back so many memories. The ceremony was short and sweet.  We took picturesque photos overlooking the beach with the sun setting behind us.  Then we danced the night away to the infamous playlist Destiny spent months creating. We did our signature dance, which concluded the evening, to our favorite song to dance to together, another OutKast number, Morris Brown.

That night as Mr. and Mrs., you’d think our main goal was to go and consummate our marriage.  Or to soak in the tub and relax in our honeymoon suite.  We didn’t do any of those things.  Instead we had our friend Nick run us through the taco shop drive thru, we came back to our room and devoured the food and then passed out.  Nick included.  He crashed on the mini couch. 

We left for our honeymoon shortly after.  One of my employees at the time had gifted us his time share in Oahu.  All we had to do was pay our airfare.  We spent a week there.  Destiny did what he loved every day, he surfed.  I enjoyed relaxing on the beach, just as if we were back in Carlsbad.  We enjoyed some nice dinners, some fun cocktails and of course paradise, but we lacked the passion of a newly married couple. 

Life progressed in this manner after our honeymoon ended and we were back on the mainland.  We tried to buy a home.  Timing was tough as the market was on the decline.  I had a mortgage on the condo we were living in which caused a monkey wrench with our debt-to-income ratio.  We had to live with our friends for six months while the bank sorted everything out.  This was stressful and didn’t add to the list of positives in our relationship.  Once we closed on the house, things didn’t improve all that much.  Destiny changed jobs a handful of times.  He was never happy having do adult things.  He begin drinking more and calling in sick a lot.  This was hard as I was working 60-70 hour work weeks.  I was tired.  I wanted him to meet me halfway.  If I was working a twelve hour day the last thing, I wanted to do was have him ask me what’s for dinner on the way home.  I wasn’t going to cook, don’t fool yourself, he just expected me to grab take out on the way.

This is probably where my resentment started.  Resentment isn’t healthy and it can impact your behavior without you even recognizing you’re doing it.  I would have never given up on my marriage but I wasn’t afforded the opportunity to continue trying.  One day I got home from work and Destiny was standing at the kitchen island.  I can see him there, vividly.  I sat on the couch to pet the dog.  He wasted no time starting a serious conversation.  He said he wasn’t happy.  He shared that he never wanted to be married or have children.  I’m typically passive, a people-pleaser.  My usual reaction would be to try and fix the situation. Not this time.  I acknowledged what he said.  I suggested if this was how he felt that he should leave and get his own place.  To my surprise, he had.  In four moves together Destiny never found the place, arranged for the phone or cable to be installed, but this time, this time was different.  He had done all of the above including hiring a moving company. 

I called my parents to break the news.  I remember hearing the relief in my dad’s voice.  And then he instructed me to protect myself.  He suggested I let Destiny take anything he wanted,

“Material goods are replaceable, Erin.” 

I did.  I only wanted the dog and the house. 

Destiny and I used to play in an adult softball league. One of our teammates was a divorce lawyer.  We’d joke about who would get to Bender first if we ever decided to divorce. Well, I got to Bender first.  Bender was great and helped us keep the divorce amicable.  It took six months and one day for it to be official.  A lot goes on in six months and a day.  And it doesn’t just impact you, it impacts everyone around you.  Thankfully we didn’t have children, but I can understand how divorce is stressful and traumatizing to children.  I’m an adult and I found it traumatizing. 

Divorce is strange.  You go from sleeping next to someone you love and trust to not speaking to them at all.  You transition from putting someone else’s needs above your own to realizing that you should have been making your own happiness a priority the whole time.  You have to find your identity as an individual again. The lessons I learned from this relationship are probably the single most important lessons I’ve learned to date.  I still struggle with relationships, obviously.  I’m scared to repeat mistakes.  I’m scared to make the wrong decisions. I work hard to focus on the silver lining. I was gifted a second chance, a new lease on life and I’m running with it.

“You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.” - Unknown