The 48-Year Old Non-Virgin
Not all dates are bad. Not all guys are duds. But sometimes people are simply at different stages of life. It’s no fault of either party; it’s just a matter of circumstance. To avoid catching feelings and then realizing later you want different things it’s essential to know what your deal breakers are, what you’re looking for, and to determine early on whether or not the other person is on the same path. This isn’t easy to do. I can think of two girlfriends right now who recently went through traumatic breakups because the guys they were dating didn’t want to have children. They do.
I learned this lesson the hard way eight years ago, and I’m doing my best not to let history repeat itself today. If you read, New Chapter, Who Dis? you know why I got divorced. My ex-husband and I dated four years and were married for three. So yes, seven years into my relationship, he decided he no longer wanted to have children nor be married. Now, this wasn’t his original stance on either subject or at least not how he presented it, but it eventually became my reality. I chose to honor my desires and give myself a fighting chance to achieve these aspirations, hence present day, single Erin. At times I become fickle about my hopes and dreams due to outside influences or societal norms. I can say without a shadow of a doubt I’d like to have a child regardless if I find Mr. Right or not, which leads me to The 48-Year-Old Non-Virgin.
The 48-Year-Old Non-Virgin and I went on two dates. I’m fairly certain if I picked up the phone right now a third could be accomplished. That would tie the record for the most consecutive dates I’ve been on with any guy since my last boyfriend. The 48-Year-Old Non-Virgin is sweet, thoughtful, gainfully employed at a job he’s held for almost two decades. He likes to cook. He’s 6’4” and handsome. He divorced about two years ago. His separation was amicable, which I commend. He told me he realized he and his ex-wife had grown apart, fallen out of love. He said when he watched some family friends go through a divorce in their 60’s he realized life was too short. He decided while he and his ex-wife were still relatively young, his kids were thriving, and everyone was healthy, it was a good time to go their separate ways. He’s still involved in his kid’s lives, and they still do some things as a family unit. They share equal custody of their three kids. The kid’s smiles are plastered on the lock screen of his iPhone. You can tell he’s a proud dad. He lights up whenever they’re mentioned in conversation.
We had our first date at Nick’s in Manhattan Beach. We had text quite a bit before connecting in person. I had a feeling we were going to hit it off. There was no lack of conversation during our four-hour date. We shut Nick’s down on a Tuesday. He made me laugh and smile and said a lot of things I’d been hoping to hear from a date. We shared a lot in common. Somethings made me chuckle to myself, like the kind of truck he drives. What is it with men in my life driving white Ford F-150s? But as we were discussing things you’re not supposed to bring up on the first date, i.e., exes, religion, politics…I’m notorious for this…I learned some critical information that changed my demeanor and immediately caused me to put up an emotional block.
He shared that he had an ex-girlfriend that he dated for nearly a year after his divorce. She didn’t have kids of her own, and because of that, she never really wanted to form a relationship with his kids. The way he described her behavior was almost an act of jealousy for what he had, and what she didn’t. What it boiled down to was she wanted kids of her own, but since he has three, and he’s in his late 40’s, he has pretty much decided that he doesn’t want to start that process over.
I will let the record show that he never came out and told me that he wouldn’t have more children, but I put two and two together, and to be honest, I can’t blame him. This has been a point of contention before, not just with my ex-husband, but also with my ex-boyfriend. Here’s the difference, this time, upon gathering the information, no matter how great of a guy he is, I know in my heart of hearts I want to have a child of my own someday. I’m not sure what that looks like, whether it be, me, myself and I ordering from a catalog or doing it with a life partner the old fashion way. God willing, that’s the desire of my heart, and I want to honor that.
Now here’s where it gets tough. There is nothing wrong with The 48-Year-Old Non-Virgin. Nothing I could find. No red flags. He’s a great guy. He’s undoubtedly a devote father. He is a relationship kind of guy who values monogamy. He could maybe use a revamp to his wardrobe, but what guy doesn’t need a little fashion help? I can see how my past self could get excited about all the things that align with this guy and ignore the things that don’t. It’d be easy to amend my desires, to pull myself out of the dating scene, and to enjoy his company. But it’d be a distraction. Pursuing him doesn’t get me any closer to where I want to be.
I was honest with him. I explained what I want. As you get older, you learn to be more vocal when you’re dating. Your time becomes more precious, and you learn sugar coating things doesn’t help. He understood. He said he might consider having another child if he met the right girl. Might. I heard his initial, unfiltered stance in general conversation. I wouldn’t want him to change that for me nor anyone else.
Being who I am, I over-analyzed the situation as I sometimes do. Even if I gave him the benefit of the doubt, believing that he might do this if he met the right girl, how long would it take for him to consider me to be the right girl? Six months? A year? What if he never did? What if I gave him that time and we went down a path of marriage before trying to start a family? Now he’s 50... The likelihood of this plan sounding more desirable to him than it does today is unlikely. The fact I have to weigh these options on a second date is a risk in itself. A risk I’m not willing to take.
However, I’m human. I must admit it was nice to go out with someone kind and fun and a good conversationalist. I entertained a second date. Again, we had a great time. This time we met in his hood. We had drinks and went to a dive bar. There was no lack of chemistry, nor laughs, nor smiles. But the entire time the thoughts were mulling around in my head. Unfortunately, we’re at two different stages of life, and that’s okay. I’m thankful to Hinge for connecting me with a decent guy, who I’d consider a friend, and an eligible bachelor for any single ladies out there open to a blended family, not looking to have children of their own. I’m happy to play matchmaker as I continue my path following the desires of my own heart.
