Create & Sustain Healthy Friendships As Adults

Let's dive into the nitty-gritty behind making friends and sustaining friendships as adults. Whether you're the last of your girlfriends to get relationshipped up, maybe you're a new mom learning how to juggle mommyhood, barely finding time to sleep or shower, or you're in a season similar to mine, adding a new romantic relationship into the mix while also trying to create a business, hashtag entrepreneur life. Or maybe you're somewhere in between all this, the point is we all have busy, fast-paced lives, and when we finally get a moment of solitude, you may want to put on your comfies, zone out on Netflix or take a bubble bath. Putting on real pants, not yoga pants and makeup, may not sound inviting. Pre Covid, I probably wouldn't have batted an eyelash. Now, I'm like, ugh, I have to get ready. Then what, then we head out for overpriced booze to engage in small talk?

I don't know about you, but the older I get, the more I crave deeper, more meaningful friendships. I don't have time for gossip. I value the friendships where we check in on each other's mental health, share openly, and get vulnerable. As you get older, I think you realize it's not the number of friends that's important. We're no longer at that stage in life where friends equal popularity. We want quality friends. So our friend circles naturally morph depending on what season of life we're in. And that iconic saying, friends come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime, really starts to hit home.

Let's first discuss adult friendships as a whole. Do you have a solid group of friends you can count on? Do you feel like making new friends as an adult is difficult? A lot of people relocated during the pandemic and are legit starting over. That can be hard, especially for people who aren't extroverts. I get it. It's almost the equivalent of dating, but for a platonic relationship. You have to first find a way to expand your network, be open to the possibility of meeting new people. You have to put yourself out there. So how exactly do you do this?

When we were younger, we developed friendships easily based on the neighborhood we grew up in. It was natural to start playing in the front yard and end up with a new BFF by noon. Likewise, it was easy to make friends in your homeroom in school. Maybe your desks were clustered together, and that created a bond, or perhaps you played sports, and friendships blossomed because of the sheer time spent together. As we get older, especially if we're limited by where our time is spent, it may be harder to meet like-minded individuals to build a meaningful relationship with. What do I mean exactly?

As adults, most of us spend anywhere between 40-60+ hours a week working. If we have a significant other, we dedicate time to that relationship. If we're a parent, we are in-between pick-ups and drop-offs, household duties, chores, and errands and there may not be much time left to meet people. As a result, we end up forming relationships with people within our reach that might not necessarily be the best pairing, but it’s convenient. Relationships form where time is invested. This is why we make friends with our co-workers, why mom's become friends with their kid's BFF's mom, etc., and so forth. It may be difficult for you to set aside time or put the effort required to allow new relationships to form outside these obvious places.

If you're feeling lonely or in a place where you need a friendship refresh, an excellent place to start is by taking a class, volunteering your time, or joining a club or organization around something you enjoy. For example, maybe you're at a stage in life where you want friends who can support you on your journey to improve your health, so you take a yoga class or a cooking lesson and, in doing so, make an effort to befriend someone new that way. Now I know someone out there is thinking, I don't have time to take on something new or commit to something else. I get it. But really evaluate where you are spending your time. If you find yourself getting stuck on a phone call with a girlfriend and you can only get a word in edgewise, “mmm-hmm, wow, okay,” why she's madly divulging everything you've missed this week in every else's life but hers, maybe you can physically feel your positive energy being drained. You aren't even having a two-way conversation. You're just listening. This might be an opportunity to evaluate repurposing that time spent trying something new, something you just thought you didn't have time for.

Watching friendships pivot and go in a direction you never anticipated is hard. I've lost a few friendships over the years, and it's not easy. You almost have to grieve them like you do any other loss. What I've discovered, though, is most people resurface in some way, shape, or form. Unfortunately, social media has made this easy for your circle to expand and decrease depending on how the wind blows. From my experience, even if someone comes back into your life, my motto is to monitor how the connection or relationship has changed if you even allow them back in. And if the relationship is reciprocated, you're both adding value to each other's lives, press on. If you notice things shifting back into an unwanted pattern, don't give up the growth or progress you've made. That old situation doesn't serve you. We have to remain mindful of this because we become the company that we keep, and our inner circle does bear a lot of influence on us.

Managing who we give our time to, who we invest in, who we support and communicate becomes a reflection and extension of ourselves. Choose wisely. Now, as you know, if you've been tuning into You’re Such a Catch for a while now, historically, I've been a people pleaser. I am really working on this and have made some serious strides. However, I will say I am also a fixer. I hate to see people upset, hurt, or struggling, and often my bubbly, upbeat, positive personality attracts people who are, for lack of a better word are broken. When I find myself trying to expand my circle to include these folks, it typically doesn't end well if they aren't open to positive change. I've already learned that we cannot will others to change; they have to want to change for themselves. My Dad always says, take care of yourself first, which is sometimes hard for me to process and execute, but he's right. There are some people, maybe in your friend circle, who are okay with always being the victim or who would rather gossip than discuss what's happening in their life. Protect your energy, choose your friends wisely and invest in mutually beneficial relationships.

When I manifested the job that led me to Manhattan Beach, leaving a decade of memories, my dog, my friends, a career I had poured my blood, sweat, and tears into, I knew no one aside of my brother. So I moved to a new town, started a new job, and desired a solid group of girlfriends. I had been one of the boys for so long. I wanted to create bonds with like-minded females. So I joined Sandpipers, a woman-only philanthropy group in the South Bay, and volunteered my time on various committees and events. I met a solid group of women I clicked with, some of which are my closest friends to this day.

Some of the friendships I had before moving, bonds I created with co-workers who are like family since we spent hours upon hours together, remain. Or my Temecula Mom's Group, yes, I'm in a Mom's Club. Don't be jealous. We go to Palm Springs every year to get a much-needed break from their kiddos and families because I enjoy my girl time. This group of nine friends, all of which are moms but for me, are inclusive. This group discusses real-life heartaches, divorce, and the loss of parents, which unfortunately becomes a reality at our age, financial hardships, and issues impacting their child's ability to navigate school and learning. Of course, we have several moments of sheer belly laughter and snorts when we're together also. Our bond is tight, and I love these ladies so much I just sat in traffic for three and a half hours to see them. We typically try to get together twice a year, once for Palm Springs in the summer and once more where we do our Favorite Things. Each of us buys eight of our favorite thing, $10 or less. Then, we wrap them up and exchange them at this gathering. It's so much fun to see what each girl loves and values and to get to take that home with us each year—such a fun tradition.

I still have a group of girlfriends I keep in contact with from high school. We reconnected during the lockdown on Marco Polo and have kept the conversation going strong each week. We are also implementing a new tradition with an annual trip. This year our inaugural trip is also to Palm Springs this summer. Then I have my Red Dress Run crew created off of tequila shots and a desire to make it rain on go-go dancers.

Nonetheless, this crew is always good for a laugh, a good time, spontaneous adventure, whether to WeHo or New Orleans, all you have to do is say the word, and their bags are packed. I'm very fortunate. I'm surrounded by amazing people and some of which came into my life by happenstance.

As much as we've shown our dislike for online dating and connecting with others on the internet, social, or through apps, I must say some of my most surprising friendships formed by a person reaching out, randomly, with an inclination that we could hit it off, and low and behold we did. Dion McGill, who I've spoken about before, he's the host of Off the Beaten Podcast. He sent me an email on a whim. Hell, I didn't even see it for the first two weeks. But when I did, I wrote back, and we've become amazing friends. He was a saving grace during Covid lockdown. Don't discredit the ability of those connections. When I look at my DMs on Instagram, several are from people I met online. We've built full-on relationships that started with a simple follow of one another's journey. With Clubhouse, it's the same thing. A connection, a solid friendship, can be formed anywhere you'll allow it to be created. Be creative with it.

Let's switch gears a bit and talk about how to sustain a friendship. This is important because I feel as if I am missing the mark in this area. A lot of people tell me you're a fantastic friend, Erin. Am I? I know I can do better. It's not that I don't want to be all things to all people. Trust me, I do. Remember I said I'm a recovering people pleaser, but I'm terrible at reaching out and planning things. I always tell my friend Zara, who was on Season 1, Episode 8: Everything But The Kitchen Sink, she's amazing because she is the glue that keeps our friendship together. She's great about reaching out and suggesting we grab dinner, a drink, sit on the couch and do a catch-up sesh. She's a great planner. I am not. I always partake, but I'm not a good initiator.

My friends Alex and Katie are the same way. They plan, organize, and on top of that, they always express gratitude in written form. After we get together, there's always a text saying how wonderful It was to see each other and get together. Often I receive a snail mail thank you for reaffirming the same sentiments. These small gestures are so thoughtful. They make me feel loved, supported, encouraged, and appreciated. When you're sustaining a relationship over the years, through the different seasons of life we experience, taking the time to put forth this level of effort is so important. This is one of the reasons I created the From Pod To Paper greeting card line. When you receive a handwritten note from a friend or loved one, there's nothing else like it. Their love and thoughtfulness exude through their penmanship and the thoughtfulness involved in the execution. I have to remind myself that I need to reciprocate the things I appreciate because I know how nice it is to be on the receiving side of it. Giving is equally as important.

What are some ways you can ensure you're doing your part to sustain a relationship you value? There's always a simple text or voice note when someone pops into your head. Often someone will pop in my head, and I don't act on it. I should. I believe that when someone does pop into your head like that, there's a reason. It's a synchronicity. Maybe that person is going through a tough time, or perhaps a life change is occurring. Whatever the case may be, it's nice to reach out in the moment. You can even say, “You don't have to respond. I was just thinking of you and wanted to check in.” This lets them know you were thinking of them but removes the pressure to reply.

I don't want to squirrel too much here, but I also think it's important that when we do these things and hold up our end of the bargain, were doing so without any expectation of reciprocation. Our gift to others, time, effort, energy, etc., is our gift, and we cannot expect anything in return. Now that's not to say we can't be selective with whom we invest, but regardless we do these acts and give in to ourselves because that's who we are, never expecting anything in return. Another thing we can do is send snail mail. My friend Kara sent two of my girlfriends and me a postcard every day of lockdown. Can you believe that? Each day I checked the mailbox to find an uplifting quote or phrase of encouragement written in her handwriting. I kept them all.

Earlier this week, I received some difficult news. I came home from getting a spray tan, and there was a package on my front step. I thought I didn't order anything from Amazon. It must be for the neighbor. The package did have my name on it, so I went inside and opened it up. It was a Willow Tree Angel, Gracious, sent from my friend Sarah. I immediately started crying, which was a terrible idea since I had gotten a spray tan, but the tears were worth it, and her gesture of thoughtfulness meant the world to me. Another thing we can do is step into that planning role and make a suggestion to a friend or a group of friends to get together.

And maybe it isn't for the usual dinner and drinks. Perhaps it's to go on a hike, visit a museum or do something outside the ordinary. This could even be an open invitation to bring a friend from outside the circle who may want to connect with others or expand their network. The possibilities are endless.

The last thing I want to touch on is what I mentioned briefly earlier about expectations. We have to be careful not to make assumptions or create expectations for our friends. It's easy to get hurt feelings when a dynamic changes or even if a friend doesn't respond to a text immediately. We may start to overthink or jump to conclusions, but we need to pause and give our friends the benefit of the doubt. She's doing the best she can, just like you're doing the best you can in whatever season of life you're in. We're all evolving, life is starting to come back, and we're getting busier than ever.

Believing in the best of your friends is an excellent practice to be mindful of. Ditch the passive-aggressive, "Where you been? You don't call. You don't write." And replace it with a simple, "How are you? These three words can go a long way. After their response, you can follow it up with, "How can I best show up for you right now?” Flip the script if you need extra support or encouragement, don't be shy to ask for help or ask to have your friend show up for you in a different way. Friendships are reciprocal. That's what's beautiful about them.

Today we discussed what to do if you're feeling lonely and in need of friends, how to acquire new friends, sustain good friends, and ensure you're doing your part in the friendship. But, of course, not every friendship is supposed to last. I said it earlier, but relationships come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. There are plenty of relationships in my life that have come and gone, and that's okay. I'm at peace with it. If you have friendships that revolve around negativity, or you feel taken advantage of, maybe you recognize they're just toxic. It's okay to let them go.

Do a friendship audit. Take inventory of who's in your life, where you allot your time and energy, and ensure you're choosing wisely. Limit people who misuse your time and energy and consider how to approach them moving forward. Recognizing these patterns is essential. Acting accordingly will set you up for success. Then do one thing outside your comfort zone, consider trying that yoga class, join a Facebook group, join YSC's, make a new friend, expand your network, and surround yourself with positive energy. Reach out to a friend, show them some love and act on a thought if they pop into your head. Remember, you'll always have a friend in me. I'm here for you.