Safer at Home Beauty Hacks

If rona has taught me anything, I value certain beauty routines and, let's call them "luxuries" that I never thought I wouldn't be able to do until lockdown (stay-at-home mandate). I operate on a pretty consistent schedule. I have my go-to places and people who make me feel good about myself. I take pride in my outward appearance, and doing these things for myself makes me feel better. If I could get waxed, my gray covered, my nails done, a blowout, and a spray tan, I could stay in captivity forever. But sadly, despite all the efforts of my favorite salons, estheticians, and nail technicians to comply with CV-19 guidelines, my routine is forced to come to a screeching halt...again.

This leaves me to try again to replicate all the things I love that make me feel good, but on my own, from the comfort of my home, with the tools that I have on hand, or can get quickly from my BFF Amazon.

Whoa Kelly Clarkson

I hate hair. I get waxed every two weeks like clockwork in non-Covid times. I do full face (eyebrows, sideburns, lip, chin, nose, and Brazilian). Word to the wise for at-home hair removal. Are you listening? DO NOT TOUCH your eyebrows. Do I need to repeat this for the women in the back? You can tweeze the stray hairs, but do not try to shape your brows yourself. This will lead to regret and thinning your brows like it's 1994, during a lockdown will not end well for any of us.

I used these strips to tend to my stache. Bye Movember.

I used this tool to tame my sideburns. I don't know why my sideburns bother me so bad, but I think my face looks better when they're no existent, and I will also say my make-up (aka tinted moisturizer most days) goes on more evenly.

I have not attempted an at-home Brazilian. The mere thought of that sounds painful and like I would thoroughly mess it up and or hurt myself. The last thing I need is to have to call 9-1-1, and when the operator answers, I have to say some bullshit like, "Um yeah, I just burnt my va jay jay with hot wax." The operator would be required to send the fire department over, and for sure, my latest Tinder match would be on that engine, which would be awkward and embarrassing.

Disclaimer, the first time California closed salons, they were closed for four to five months. If you do not get a Brazilian in four to five months, when things open, as they did for a hot sec, remember that shit is going to hurt like Steve Carell in 40-Year-Old Virgin. Be strong. Beauty is pain. You got this. Spoken from a girl with experience.

The Dreaded Gray

I used to be a brunette until I started to go gray, at 26! My gray roots made me super self-conscious, and I began to make my hair lighter and lighter. Now I'm pretty blonde and have fully embraced the 'blondes have more fun' motto. I have highlights, and I would never attempt to recreate the magic I get when I can have my hair professionally done at home. There's not a box dye I trust. With that being said, while in lockdown, reach out to your hairstylist and ask if he/she can mix you up some color to go, for your roots, or get their professional opinion.

DO NOT try to give yourself a haircut with the scissors from the knife block in the kitchen. Girl, embrace ponies and braids and quit washing your hair every day. No need. Get it healthy, so when we can go to the salon again, you have more options, and your hairstylist gives you a gold star.

I use this deep conditioning treatment once a week to hydrate my hair and help counteract the damage caused by heat tools.

Why You No Have Boyfriend

I probably don't have a boyfriend because I cannot do my nails to save my life when I can't go in every two weeks to see my girl, Na. She revives these grandma hands and keeps me hip by picking my nail shape, length, and color. My suggestion for getting by is to have a good manicure kit at home. File, add a topcoat, maybe even put a fresh coat of polish on top of what you have, but do your best not to pick the gel off. I know it can be so satisfying as you binge-watch Schitt's Creek for the 6th time, but it will make your nails thin. When you do get a boyfriend, you won't be able to give him a back rub because your nails are too frail. See where I'm going with this?

I keep both of these on deck in case of emergency.

Blow Me

I know, it's devastating. Blowouts make you feel like a million bucks. All of us barfly members will have a stockpile of blowouts to use hopefully in 2021 when we can be social again—not being able to have someone who can use both arms and that leverage to perfectly round brush your locks shouldn't stop you from looking your best. So we have roots. I have roots and Phyllis (my weave), likes attention. She wants to be smooth and frizz-free.

Here's what I've found to jimmy rig my blowouts since I can't seem to master the traditional dryer and round brush.

I use this when I have Phyllis (my weave) because my hair is thicker and longer.

I use this when I don't have Phyllis in but recently let my mom borrow it to make her life and styling easier during stay-at-home.

I use this to tame my frizz. The scent is a bonus, in my opinion.

Bronze Me Up, Scotty

There's something about a spray tan that elevates your entire appearance. Your complexion looks brighter and your skin clearer. You feel thinner. You can wear colors that might typically make you looked washed out with no problem. I like to spray almost every week, especially in the winter. Now I am very fair-skinned, so I wear SPF every day. You cannot skip the SPF. We want to look young when we're not, neck included.

I have never found a fake tanner that I love. I've tried several. I either end up too orange, too blotchy, can't reach my back, it makes me break out, or not only do I get tan, but my clothes, bedding, and anything I touch gets sunkissed too.

I use this to add gradual color to my face, accompanied by this bronzer.

I use this on my body to add gradual color. I do wash my hands after applying as a preventative measure. Appropriate for the times as well.

We have to have grace with ourselves right now. We don't currently have access to all the things that help us feel good about our outward appearance. But we can control our thoughts and behavior. In doing so, we need to do our best to remember; this is only temporary. And until we're back on our beauty routines, we need to find beauty from within. We're in this together even with our weird chin hairs, gray roots, chipped polish, untamed hair, and those like me, pasty skin.

Girl, You're Such a Catch.