Platonic Friendships

Can Men and Women Really just be Friends?

Cinderella of the blog: Damsel in Dating Distress

When it comes to this burning question, there are all sorts of views, and some may have an anecdote to share. In the 1989 movie “When Harry Met Sally,” the writer Nora Ephron was exploring the exact question, “Can men and women be friends?” According to Harry (played by Billy Crystal), men and women can’t be friends “because the sex part always gets in the way.”

And here is a famous quote by Oscar Wilde: “Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.”

First and foremost, before I get stuck in, I’d like to note that I am referring mostly to deep, connected friendships between both a heterosexual man and woman and not the casual and circumstantial interactions that happen between people in groups of friends or work colleagues.

From an evolutionary standpoint, men and women were never meant to be friends in the first place. Many leading philosophers claim that the entire purpose of life is to reproduce and pass on your genes. Although this statement is controversial and debatable, we can all agree that our basic instinct is to survive and reproduce.

“If I had the chance, I would smash.”

There’s a reason why cross-sex friendships tend to make a significant other feel jealous or threatened. Even if it isn’t said outright, sometimes you can feel the tension in the air or glaring eyeballs burning into your skin. Trust me, I know… I’ve been on both sides of the fence! At this point, I’d expect people to comment and say, “Oh but if someone’s jealous of a cross-sex friendship, then that’s down to their own insecurities!” — sure, I don’t disagree with this statement. You do find many individuals in relationships while simultaneously still healing from old wounds or unable to let go of past trauma, which can create these negative feelings towards the “friend”. However, let’s be real… there is a risk that in cross-sex friendships, one or the other will develop sexual attraction, and possibly feelings over time. It’s just how human nature works, but it doesn’t always happen.

Bear in mind that just because your friend is sexually attracted to you, it doesn’t mean they will necessarily act upon it. Either they will keep it hidden from you or confess to you when they get the courage to do so. In the past, I’ve had one great friendship fizzle out because he chose to admit his feelings for me… it was pretty awkward and a shock to say the least. So after I told him the feelings weren’t mutual, he started backing off and our friendship unfortunately never went back to normal. I really hoped he’d be fine over time, but he clearly wasn’t. I reached out a few times to see how he was, and although he would respond (with short, quick answers), I realized our friendship was pretty much dead in the water. 

I have many guy mates, and it’s not by choice. I’ve always naturally found that we have more common interests, the same humor, a similar outlook on life, and I appreciate that they’re all straight up, no bullshit kind of people. That’s not to say my girls aren’t!

Here’s a confession… I had a little thing with one of my good guy friends about 9 years ago… it was a while back, and we were young, but I definitely don’t see him in that way at all. There’s no emotional attachment, and it’s certainly the same from his perspective. He’s a good-looking chap and we’ll joke about the past if it ever comes into conversation (rarely!), but it’s never impacted our friendship. These days we’ll talk about life and even offer each other dating/relationship advice!

There are a couple of guys I’m close with who I’ve known since primary school, and we literally have a brother/sister type of bond, nothing more, nothing less. I’ve been to their house, I know their parents, siblings, and vice versa. And I really value those long-lasting friendships.

With some of the other fellas, they have openly told me that if they had the chance, they would “smash”. Does it bother me? No. Does it affect our friendship? No. Because I’ve always set and maintained boundaries, and I don’t entertain flirtatious behavior for sake of an ego boost or anything. I draw the line, and they fully respect that. Hell, I’ve even joined in on a “lads holiday” and taken a trip with just one of them. Nothing happened — we slept in separate rooms, partied together, dined together, and soaked up the sun by the pool. They were both amazing holidays! Ultimately, I believe we all have a high degree of maturity, which allows our cross-sex friendship to be really lovely, fun, and wholesome.

Woman, please!

When my guy mates get into relationships; I do respect the boundary and tend not to invite them out one-on-one, I decrease the calls and texts, cut the explicit chats about sex, etc. — I just know that their partners wouldn’t appreciate it. Likewise, I would feel the same if the roles were reversed. At the end of the day, I wouldn’t want their partner to feel uncomfortable or feel like I’m getting in between them. Funnily enough, my friend recently admitted that his ex wasn’t a fan of me, she thought I was “going after” him. 

Can I just say… woman please, I don’t and have never wanted your man!

I do get it though, I used to be in a relationship with a guy who was always chatting to his female friends. If we went to an occasion/event, all these chicks would be hugging him, constantly floating around him, giving him that little “playful” stroke on the arm. He ended up being a cheat, so… yes, I get it!

So… can men and women really just be friends?

I do believe it’s possible… with a few caveats here and there. Sometimes you grow up as childhood friends, and it simply remains that way, which is great! In other cases, you build friendships over time, and if it so happens that one develops feelings or the “sex part” gets in the way (and it’s not reciprocated), then by all means, a line needs to be drawn. From my experience, this “line” usually comes from the woman. This is where boundaries must be put in place. I’ll leave you with some final points to think about.

Be Explicit With Them

It’s important that you’re clear on why you are friends with them. If the motivation is not platonic, then be honest with yourself and admit that you are attracted to this person. It doesn’t mean that you can’t have a friendship with them, but it will help to acknowledge the attraction you feel and know your limits in awkward situations.

Ease Up On The Touchy Feely-ness

Rein it in, so you don’t give the other person the wrong idea. At the same time, don’t entertain it if they start getting all touchy-feely with you. A hello/goodbye hug is okay, but shoulder rubs, thigh grabs, hair stroking… well, go figure!

Sharing The Same Bed… Really???

You know, I was reading up on this…, and perhaps I’m an old skool kinda gal but apparently cross-sex friends sharing the same bed is fairly normal? I never realized that and don’t get it. I’ve never shared the same bed with any of my guy friends and wouldn’t want to! Nothing would make me feel more awkward! Personally, I wouldn’t suggest this.

Be Aware Of Each Other’s Situation

When a boyfriend or girlfriend enters the scene, then it’s probably time to take a step back. It’s not worth treading on someone else’s toes. Acting accordingly is the respectable thing to do, you don’t want to be causing friction now do ya?

For more Dating Stories from the Damsel in Dating Distress visit: DatingStoriesByMe